8 month update!

So, I am not so good at the updating! But I have my 8 month pics! We just moved (as you can see by the boxes behind me!) so these pics got taken on my phone, since I was not quite sure where the camera was (of course, I found it two hours later!!!)

As of yesterday which was my anniversary I have lost 131.2 pounds! Woot!









I had to get rid of the red tank top as it was so loose it was becoming unwearable...and I guess this is my last set of pics in those shorts...look ma, one leg!!!

2 month update

Well, it has been a little over 2 months since my gastric bypass, so here is a little update on how I am doing!

I have lost 48 pounds since surgery, however, this number may change as I have not been back to the surgeon yet, and his scale tends to be a little different.

I have lost 8 inches off my waist, and adding up all 15 of the measurements that I take gives me 66.5 inches lost over my body.

I bought a pair of pants last weekend, two/three sizes smaller than what I was wearing, and they are actually too big, I think I should have bought the next size down. =( and =) LOL

Here are my two month pics.

First Post-Op Appointment

Just a quick update, I had my first post-op checkup today. Dr P says everything looks great and I am doing perfectly. The nurse Pat says she thinks my incisions look so good that I won't even have scars (woohoo!). I have lost 28 pounds in 20 days, according to their scale! WOOT!

Home

I am home, actually, have been since Thursday. Today is the first day I have felt like sitting at the desk chair for more than a second or two, it is not very comfortable.

Dr. P said my surgery went excellent, and I have been feeling pretty OK. Tired and sore, but no serious pain and all my incisions look great. I have been doing fine with the first phase of the post-op diet and have managed to get all my protein in every day, although I am not up to where I should be with water yet. I am getting in a little more every day though, so I know it is just a matter of time!

My hospital stay was pretty unremarkable, so I probably wont bother to write about it, it was short and quick and I had great nurses and a private room (so, no crazy roommate to talk about!), so there is just not much there to tell! I did learn that I am allergic to morphine though!

Anywho, off I go, I have been sitting here about 20 minutes and my body is tired of this chair!

The time has come!

Here are my official before photos









And my pre-op measurements...I am taking a lot because I find it interesting all the small ways that our bodies change that we tend not to notice!

Neck: 17.5"
Chest (over boobs): 63"
Chest (under boobs): 58"
Midriff: 64"
Waist: 67"
Right bicep: 20"
Left bicep: 19"
Right forearm: 13"
Left forearm: 13"
Right thigh: 36"
Left thigh: 36"
Right calf: 23"
Left calf: 23"
Right ankle: 12"
Left ankle: 11.5"

I report to the hospital tomorrow morning at 6:30AM and surgery is scheduled for 8:30AM. I will post here when I get home!

Gettin' scared

It's finally caught up to me, I'm starting to get scared. I have done all my homework, I have a great surgeon, I have a great support system, and I am scared anyway. I have moments where out of nowhere tears stream down my face and I literally shake in my shoes. I have moments of telling myself that this is madness and I should cancel my surgery date. I have moments of being sure that I will be the one in a million who has some off the wall complication and my life will be ruined. It is ridiculous, but that doesn't make it any less true. It's funny what our brains do to us sometimes.

Dissapointment

I have a friend that I have known for 24 years. 24 years! I am only 29! Needless to say, we have always been closer than close. She moved to Vegas last year, we have been missing each other big time but we keep in touch. I messaged her last week when I got my surgery date because I knew she would want to be one of the first to know. I got a message from her today that said "May 7, so I guess you aren't coming to Vegas for my 30th birthday..." (her birthday is May 10). Excuse me?!?!?!

I am so upset I don't even know what to say to her. I have not responded yet because I know I won't handle it well until I calm down, but, really, if anyone should understand my reasons and be supporting me, I would think it would be her. I guess I am just hurt and really disappointed by her actions.

Am I over-reacting here?

Got my date!

I set my surgery date yesterday, May 7!!! I can't believe how soon that is! I am so ready, and I am nowhere near ready, all at the same time! LOL

I can't think of a cohesive title....

I have a lot to say. I also have nothing to say.

There is a lot going on right now, lot's of things that I want to talk about, I just...don't. I do not restrict this behavior to blogging. No one has heard from me. I have emails that have been sitting here for weeks. I have phone messages to return. I have at least one text message I never responded to. I am just...lazy. I think it's something in the water. I have noticed similar posts on a lot of the blogs that I read. Everyone seems to be caught up in a wierd web of self absorption and laziness.

I have been giving a lot of thought to my lack of motivation. Not only is it not restricted to my blog, it is also not restricted to my "communication". I have done NONE of the things I want to be doing to get ready for my surgery. I am not making any serious steps to shed any more of the weight I want to lose pre-op, as a matter of fact, I have been eating so horribly that I won't be surprised if I have gained the next time I am weighed at the Dr's office. I can see the old demon "self-sabotage" rearing it's head. I know I need to squash it, it gets me nowhere, except fat and unhappy, as it always has. I guess I should consider it a small personal victory that I am now at least self aware enough to know that I am doing it to myself. It makes me wonder, if I had discovered this level of awareness a few years ago, would I have managed to smack myself straight before I got here?

Kim over at Big Girl in a Big City wrote a great post yesterday about dedicating the month of April to several goals of bettering herself. I really want to join her in this month of self discipline and "on-track-ness". Kim set herself a list of rules that she wants to follow for the month, regarding food and exercise, etc. So...here are the rules I want to follow for the month of April. I think they are totally do-able.
1. Make good food choices.
2. Don't beat myself up when I make poor food choices, acknowledge it and move on!
3. Walk EVERYDAY on my lunch break.
4. Walk EVERYDAY after work.
5. Support groups, go to them, every group that falls within the bounds of my schedule, I cannot do this alone, and I need to accept that fact and start getting the support that I need from other people who have been there.
6. Yoga. I have already pre-paid for a bunch of classes, and they are just sitting there waiting for me to come take them!
7. NO CARBS AFTER 5PM. I set this goal for myself weeks ago and totally let it go, it is time to get back to work kicking the carb monster!

So...let's see. I have my endoscopy set for next Wed at 7:15 in the morning, and that is it! Last test, and once the results from that make it to the surgeons office I can set a surgery date! It's still not real (I suspect that feeling this way also has something to do with my general malaise and laziness), I told someone the other day (did I blog this before?) that I am not going to TRULY believe it until I wake up in recovery and the Dr tells me it all went fine. But, it's getting here!

Other than that...we got another dog. I took pics but they are in the camera, which is with Chris, in Dallas at a weeklong management training thingy. I will post them when she gets back. =) She is adorable (the dog, although Chris is adorable too), same age as Max, also a Basset, a little smaller than Max and SO SO sweet, totally happy and at ease as long as she feels loved, a great fit for our family so far.

Ummm...yeah. I better get to bed. I have to be up early for a long commute tomorrow.

Ta!

A very thought provoking post from another blogger

Pam over at Journey to a Healthier Me posted this blog about whether or not folks who have not had WLS can ever truly understand what it is like to live the life of a post-op WLS patient. Go read it, its good!

A Couple Cool Lists

I am posting these here mainly so that I do not lose them, as I love them and want to be able to refer back to them from time to time.

100 Reasons To Lose 100 Pounds

1. To feel good about ourselves.
2. To have GREAT sex! :)
3. So we won’t think people are laughing or talking about us.
4. To buy clothes in a normal store and actually get clothes with some style to them that fit correctly.
5. To have more energy!
6. To be able to tie your shoes/paint toenails.
7. To be able to sit on a floor and get up gracefully.
8. To wear a bathing suit.
9. To cross your legs or sit Indian style.
10. To fit into an airline/theatre/bus/whatever seat without spilling over and without having to see “that look” from the person who has to sit beside you.
11. So our ankles won’t swell.
12. To fit into a booth at any restaurant.
13. To not need an extension to a seat belt on an airplane and to have the tray table not balance on our bellies.
14. To not worry about being decapitated in our cars with our seat belts on if we should be in an accident.
15. To not turn beet red after moderate exertion.
16. To be able to pick something up off the floor.
17. Panty Hose that fit!
18. To go to an amusement park and ride the rides.
19. To be able to sit in any chair without worry of breakage.
20. To not have to apologize when caught in a narrow aisle and have someone need to get by.
21. To go dancing, sky diving, bungee jumping…
22. To be able to go horseback riding or ride a bike.
23. To not worry about rashes and sweating.
24. To not have to listen to “caring” people ask why you don’t diet or worse still… "gee, you have such a pretty face."
25. To not worry about spilling food, sauces or gravy down the front of your blouse/dress/shirt when eating.
26. To not have to think up some excuse for not doing something because you know your weight will impede you.
27. To not have your belly hit the steering wheel and to be able to fit comfortably in the driver’s seat.
28. To have a bra fit comfortably and to be able to buy underwear at Victoria’s Secret rather than at “Tubby the Underwear Guy.”
29. To not have to worry about the weight limit of step stools, ladders, motorcycle, exercise equipment, etc.
30. To not get stuck in a turn style.
31. To not wake up feeling achy in the back, or to have ache free legs and feet.
32. So the bathroom scale won’t creak and groan when you step on it.
33. To be able to leave the tablecloth on the table at a restaurant instead of dragging it with you when you get up.
34. So you won’t look the other way when you see yourself in a monitor where they have security cameras.
35. To never be embarrassed about your size.
36. To not count tying shoes as daily exercise.
37. To not have to wait for the handicap stall when there are plenty of other stalls available.
38. To not be more out of shape than seniors.
39. To not break toilet seat when leaning to one side.
40. To be able to put on wedding rings again.
41. To try to make a double chin and fail!
42. Buy clothing bargains to fit the next year … and they do!
43. Not to have to worry about plastic zippers or having your pants bust open.
44. Normal waistbands rather than elastic!
45. To wear knee socks correctly instead of worn like slouches!
46. To look good in a tee shirt!
47. To try on slacks or jeans and have the pant leg actually fit over leg!
48. To be able to get close to sink and not come away with a wet belly!
49. To get out of a stuffed chair GRACEFULLY and not look down to see if the chair has come up with you!
50. To not worry if the hairdresser’s smock will fit!
51. To not be self-conscious about eating in front of others!
52. To not be afraid to ask which hairstyle suits your face.
53. To not have people checking you out after looking in your grocery cart.
54. To not feel (and look) like a sausage in tight pants.
55. To have your friends NOT be embarrassed to be seen with you.
56. To get promotions/hired or close that sale.
57. Pants that stay up because your waist is smaller than your butt!
58. No more boobs! (this is for the guys!)
59. Wearing shorts or tank tops without fear of arrest or grossing out others!
60. To not have the fear of being rejected.
61. To successfully flirt!
62. To not worry about how to get in and out of the back seat in a two door car! Or any car for that matter.
63. One size fits all and it fits you!
64. To have a lap.
65. To not have the car you are riding in slant in your direction. Or a boat on a water ride at an amusement park.
66. To be able to use toilet paper as it was meant to be used and not to have to invent ways to “get the job done”.
67. To not have to watch TV news reports on fat people in hopes that you haven’t been caught on camera!
68. To be able to get between cars in a parking lot without wiping the dust off with your belly and your butt.
69. No more heat rashes and chafing in the upper thighs.
70. So that the cloth in the thigh area doesn’t wear away long before the rest of the slacks do!
71. To meet a friend online and not be horrified to have to send a picture of yourself.
72. To not take fat references and fat jokes personally.
73. To know you can go anywhere because wherever you sit you CAN be comfortable and look at ease.
74. To shop at the mall and not have your back ache from lugging your huge butt and stomach around!
75. To be able to stand still, carrying nothing and still look poised.
76. To be able to cross your arms across your chest without them resting on your stomach!
77. To have your feet get smaller.
78. Using your mouth to taste and chew food rather than as just a route to get the food from your lips to your stomach.
79. Blood pressure returns to normal.
80. To avoid other health complications from being overweight.
81. To be able to borrow a co-worker’s jacket for an important meeting.
82. To meet someone for the first time and their eyes don’t pop out of their head with amazement…because they never knew you’re fat!
83. To see your reflection in a mirror or store window without turning away!
84. To wear a watch with a regular length watch band.
85. To look in the mirror when getting your hair cut without thinking you have the biggest face in the world.
86. To not mind getting your picture taken.
87. To not avoid going to the doctor because you have to get “weighed” in.
88. To wake up each morning feeling energized and ready to go.
89. To not even worry about squeezing into small spaces.
90. To not have to enter an elevator and check the weight limit.
91. To look in your closet and have problems deciding which stylish outfit to work since you have so many that look good and fit well.
92. To not have to lie perfectly still in bed at night for fear of breaking the bed!
93. To buy tie shoes instead of slip ons!
94. To be able to walk any distance without looking for a bench to sit on.
95. To look forward to shopping and just trying on clothes!
96. To be able to drive by any fast food place without salivating!
97. To be able to shop at the same store for food instead of having to remember where you shopped last night for the junk food so you can avoid that store for a few days!
98. To not feel lower than low when an innocent child remarks about your size!
99. To not constantly be thinking of where your next morsel of food is coming from.
100. And the 100th reason to lose 100 pounds...I’M WORTH IT!
--Author Unknown

I don't remember where I found this next list, sadly...I thought I had made a note before I emailed it to myself...but I didn't...somewhere on OH.

When asked what was the best advice anyone was given about having weight loss surgery, the following comments were posted:

1) Eat slow and chew, chew, chew!

2) Sip, sip, sip!

3) Clean and disinfect your living space before your surgery. It will keep you busy and keep your mind off the stress of the upcoming surgery in those last few days of pre-op time. AND, it will make it easier to avoid infection after you return home.

4) Stop worrying!

5) Make up a schedule for meals, water, vitamins, and exercise.

6) Eat every 2 to 3 hours and drink water with a protein supplement between meals.

7) Do not drink (anything!) for 30 minutes before and 30 minutes after your meals.

8) Keep meals to what would have been "snack sized" portions as a pre-op.

9) Work your tool to the maximum potential in order to make the most of your honeymoon period.

10) Just because you CAN eat it doesn't mean you SHOULD eat it!

11) Lay your fork down between bites. This helps keep you from eating too fast!

12) RESEARCH! Research every form of WLS. Research your surgeon/hospital and any follow-up plan offered. Research post-op life. Research yourself and be sure you can handle life as a post-op!

13) Put away the scales and only weigh monthly the first few months. This will save you TONS of frustration!

14) Exercise as MUCH as possible as SOON as possible to help maximize your honeymoon period.

15) Lose as much weight as you can BEFORE surgery. That is that much less you have to lose after surgery and it makes your surgery and your healing time easier.

16) Work out with weights!

17) BEFORE surgery, increase your protein and start a vitamin supplement regimen so that you are used to it in advance.

18) Increase your activity level however you can. No matter how sedentary your life is, you can do something! Try leg lifts while sitting in a chair.

19) Don't Give Up! You will have good weeks and bad weeks. Sometimes it will seem like months! But keep exercising and eating right!

20) Remember that everyone is different. Just because one person lost 50 pounds in a couple of weeks does not mean you will. And, you will stall at about 3 weeks out. Don't worry! That is just your body adjusting to the rapid loss.

21) Visit your surgery date forum. You will find that many of those people are going through similar things at the same time!

22) Measure yourself before surgery and periodically after surgery. This will save your sanity during stalls when the scales are not moving! Use Thinner Self or another tracking site to track the changes.

Bleh

I'm here. I am in a weird blue funk this week.

I tell myself everyday that I need to sit down and write something...but I haven't. I either feel like I have nothing to say, or I feel like there is so much going on in my head that I have no clue where to start writing from. I guess if I just did it, it would work itself out...but I haven't.

Life has been...stressful. I am getting really tired of worrying about money all the time and endlessly juggling bills. My father in law is supposedly going back to work next week (he works in the TV/movie industry, so the strike hit us pretty hard)...which will ease some strain, one less person to totally support. Still...I took such a huge pay cut after I got laid off and we have still not found the new balance, I guess. The rent check bounced. Not because the money wasn't there, but because the bank placed an unnecessary hold on it and returned the check. Yeah. The landlord was THRILLED. And he is SUCH a nice person to begin with. *snort*

I haven't heard a thing from the surgeons office. I called when I got my surgical approval to find out about getting the endoscopy done and setting a date. No one called me back. I do not have the time to call these people every day. I guess I will give them the week (since it is already Friday) and call again Monday. It annoys me to no end. I realize you are busy, but don't tell patients they can call you if you don't have that kind of time. Tell us "We will call you." Maybe I'm just edgy overall and being overly sensitive to it.

My partner has been really sick. They put in one of those Mirena IUC's to try and control her horrible bleeding and cramping ("dysfunctional uterine bleeding") and it has only made it worse. Plus she is getting migraines, abdominal pain and joint pain. Seems to me like it is going to have to come out...there's another $500 we spent down the drain. She has an appt to see her GYN next Friday to talk about it. She is nearly non-functional lately, which is what used to happen every month before treatment...so she's really no better off...worse off really, the last two months she has had 2 cycles a month instead of one. Such a mess, I hate to say it, but I think they just need to do a hysterectomy, put her on HRT, and call it a day. Scary thought for her at the age of 30, but she has tried so many different treatments with no results.

My sister in law has decided she is taking our nephew (M, who we raised, not her) and moving to Georgia. And, of course, there is not a thing we can do about it. Just typing that out makes me tear up. She is not a fit parent and he is going to suffer from this, of course, I can't call CPS, because she isn't doing anything criminally wrong, she's just a shitty, non-interested, annoyed with the duties it all parent. On top of which, I cannot imagine a life without him here. He has basically been our child for most of his so it is almost like someone taking my son away from me and moving him thousands of miles away. To add to it, she is moving there with her new boyfriend, who does not like M, and has said as much. He thought he wanted kids with her, then she and M moved in and he realized, not so much. M has been back at our house more than not since moving over there (after living with us for a solid 5 years). I do not understand why SIL thinks that the best thing for a shaky relationship is to move thousands of miles from all of your family with your child. But, again, not really anything I can do. Partner and I have no rights and SIL doesn't listen to anyone.

Something is going around. I talked to my Mom last night and she said her best friend tried to kill herself last Friday. Someone I know talked seriously enough about harming herself on Saturday night that some of our friends called several people in our group (including me) in the middle of the night seeking advice on what to do. And, a woman whose blog I read and greatly enjoy got so overwhelmed two weeks ago today that she attempted to take her own life and had to be held for several days for her own protection. It's in the air...or the water...or something...everyone seems to be goin' through right now. I hope it get's better soon.

Everything is just feeling like a little much this week...I guess that is the ultimate problem. I am not sleeping well because of the stress, and because I am tired I am less equipped to handle the stress....etc, etc, etc.

I am going to take the weekend for myself, rest and relax, and next week will be better!

Approved!

In the mail yesterday, came a letter from my insurance company, stating that I have been approved for laparoscopic gastric bypass! I feel like I should be more excited? I guess I am still waiting for someone to come along and tell me they have come up with a reason that I can't have it after all....I will believe it when I wake up in recovery! LOL

At any rate, all I have left to do is get my endoscopy. I am not sure if I will get a surgery date before or after that is done, but I will post when I get it either way!

Frustration

This whole WLS journey has taught me something...a large percentage of people in the world have a great deal of trouble doing their jobs in the way they state that they will.

I called the surgeons office yesterday and was told that my authorization for surgery was not send to the insurance company until the 20th of February. That would be 10 days after I was told it would be sent. So, that has added 10 days more to my wait time. And, after that one comes back, an approval request has be sent for the endoscopy. How many extra days will it take to get that one in? This has been my experience throughout the journey. Pretty much every time I have had to wait for someone at a Dr's office to do something for me I have had to pester and pester to get it done, and, usually, even when I am pestering, dates I have been quoted are still not met. I don't get it. If i did things like that in my job I would get fired. If I told someone that I would have something for them on Tuesday, and they did not get it until the FOLLOWING Friday, I would get fired. It is driving me slowly insane I think.

Other than that, not much to report. I have been working on cutting out carbs. I have started with not having carbs with dinner. It is working out pretty well, I haven't really found it to be a problem for me. My plan is to add a meal a week until I have gotten (is that a word?) to a point where I am not eating refined carbs.

Ummm...yeah. I am kind of mentally exhausted right now. Between trying to mesh out all my own craziness, and feeling the effects of constantly being let down by one Dr's office after another...I kind of have nothing left. I kind of feel like I keep getting myself all worked up because I feel like my surgery is finally right around the corner...and then I call the Dr's office only to find out that 10 days of my time has been wasted. Not to mention the fact that my fabulous mother has been paying my COBRA payments for me for almost a year now, and the longer it takes to get to my surgery the more payments she has to make. I can get added onto Chris's insurance, but they do not cover surgery, which means that I have to keep my COBRA until after my surgery happens. It's all getting a little old...I just want to be done with it as of right now.

On a total side note...I was listening to a podcast today (http://theplanetcast.blogspot.com/) and someone said "GLBT" and it occured to me that I really hate that term. I don't know why...I just do.

Brain dump

Wow, I suck...it's been THAT long since I posted a new blog.

One of my sort of kind of new years resolutions was to start writing everyday. It is Feb 23. I have not written more than a check on any consistent basis. I guess I need to work on that...along with everything else I have going on.

I have decided that I want to start treating this blog more as a memory resource for myself than as if it were something that people are going to read. I hope people do read it...I love attention...but if not, I still want to put something down everyday.

I guess I should start with where I am as far as my weight loss surgery. I am getting pretty close. I finally got approval from the ins co to meet with the surgeon. They assigned me to Dr Pehrsson, I went to his seminar in January and I had my one on on at the beginning of February. I really like him, he comes off as honest and straight forward, and he is very patient and kind. I have completed the psych eval, had my EKG last week, I completed the ins co's required 6 month "education" program, I had my NUT class which the surgeon requires this morning, I have my chest x-ray, abdominal ultrasound, and blood work scheduled for Monday morning, and then all I will have left to do is get my endoscopy and set a date for surgery! FINALLY there is light at the end of the tunnel. (and who knew I was capable of such an impressive run on sentence??)

As far as the technical aspects of it, I am totally prepared. I am doing all the things I am supposed to...trying out protein powders...started practicing chewing better...no more drinks with meals...protein first...etc etc. Mentally...I don't know. I guess no one really knows ahead of time. It is a scary concept to be willingly giving up your best friend. I suppose the fact that I can say that is a good indicator of how far I have come. I never would have considered myself to be a food addict before. Obviously, one does not get to be so overweight that one has to consider drastic surgery without some kind of food addiction...but you never realize it. At least, not until it is too late.

Food has been my medication. My comfort. My companion. My friend. My love. My life. My living (literally, as a chef). Food has also been my secret. Ask anyone...I hardly eat at all. At least not when people are around. I do not think that I am alone in this trait at all. I find that a lot of WLS folks have the same story. They were ashamed to be seen eating (there is a whole psychology associated with this that I am not going to get into today, maybe another day) and so they learned to eat very little with others, and you learn to shovel it in when you are alone. You would be amazed how fast a cookie can be eaten when you don't want to be seen eating it.

So, it's scary to be giving up food. Yes, I know, it's not like I will never eat again. But I will certainly never have a bad day at work and come home to a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's. Not that it's a bad thing, no one should be eating a whole pint of ice cream...but what do you do when you have had a bad day (or, for that matter, a good day)? I have always eaten, sad, happy, celebrating, commiserating, I ate. I know the answers..."I work out...I go for a walk...I take a bubble bath...I knit....etc...etc...etc". But knowing the answers and enacting them are different. Just the thought of no longer having the option of eating to medicate is terrifying to someone like me. It makes a lump rise in my throat just to write this out and see it all in front of me....undeniable. I am going to let someone cut my stomach in half (more like 90/10) and totally remove from my life (at least for a good long time, hopefully long enough to retrain my brain) my security blanket.

And the food isn't even the whole of it. I have been fat forever. No, really. Pictures of me from when I was 6 years old show a pudgy little girl. And it just gets worse and worse as the years go by. How do I relate to a world that is not automatically judging and filing me by my size? How do I relate to people who are not making a snap decision about me because I am fat? Most people know one very overweight person, and for most people, that person is not just big on size, that person is HUGE on personality. We are silly and funny and bubbly and loud. We have learned that people are not going to automatically like you (well, most people) if you are fat, so you had better have some serious personality happening to make people stick around. I am that person with the huge personality, the quick laugh (or joke!) and the loud voice. Who am I going to be when I do not have to rely on that to draw people to me? Does that part of me change? I like who I am. I like that people invite me to parties because it's not as fun if I'm not there. What if I become one of those people who relies on looks to get them by?

Is that even going to be a possibility for me? I have always heard "you have such a beautiful face, if only you were thinner you would be gorgeous". Is that true? What am I going to look like as a thin person? Is my huge thick curly reddish brown hair going to overwhelm me? Is my nose going to look huge without my fat cheeks to balance it? Will I be pretty? Will I be ugly? Most people are pretty used to what they see in the mirror by the time they turn 30, I am going to be turning 30 in 8 months in a body that I have never seen before, with a totally new way of living my life from day to day. That scares the shit out of me.